The Platinum Rule: How to Actually Show Up for Someone Who’s Grieving

Grief does not come with instructions. Neither does loving someone who is grieving.

Most people want to help. They show up with good intentions, full hearts, and very little guidance. In that uncertainty, support can unintentionally center the helper instead of the person who is hurting. This is not because people are careless. It is because grief makes us uncomfortable, and we often reach for what would comfort us rather than pausing to ask what someone else actually needs.

The following is an excerpt from Flowers Bloom Anyway: Rebuilding a Life You Didn’t Choose. In this chapter, I explore the difference between helping to ease someone else’s pain and helping to ease your own discomfort. It is not about blame. It is about learning how to show up better.

Chapter 18: The Platinum Rule (an excerpt)

I want to be clear: this isn’t a book about all the things people did wrong. Grief is messy. People fumble. I know that. What I do hope is that this offers insight into how to show up better. Not just a list of what not to say, but a glimpse into what someone might actually need instead.

If you’re trying to help someone who’s grieving, ask yourself this simple question:
Are you doing this to make them feel better—or to make yourself feel better?

That coworker who came over crying? She didn’t come to help me. She didn’t bring dinner. She didn’t fold laundry. She didn’t ask if I needed space or company or a Target run. She just needed something from me. She was sad, and being near me made her feel like she was doing something about it. But what she asked of me—hosting her grief—was something I simply couldn’t give.

Josh always talked about the Platinum Rule. Not the Golden one.

We were personality quiz nerds—Myers-Briggs, Enneagram, love languages, colors. We loved learning about ourselves and each other. A few times a year, Josh would randomly send me a quiz link with a message: "Fill this out when you have time and send me your results."
He genuinely wanted to understand me better. To be a better partner. And he wanted me to understand him, too.

We’ve all heard the Golden Rule: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.
It’s a good start. It teaches kindness.

But in grief? The Platinum Rule is better.

Do unto others as they would want done unto them.

That means checking your assumptions at the door. Just because you’d want to veg out with Netflix doesn’t mean I do. Just because you’d want company doesn’t mean I can handle one more person in my kitchen, sobbing at my table. Some people want hot dishes and chatter. I wanted quiet. I wanted a walk.

Helping someone means tuning in to what they need, not what makes you feel useful.

Supporting someone through grief is not about fixing them or filling the silence. It is about listening, noticing, and honoring what they need in that moment. Sometimes that looks like action. Sometimes it looks like restraint. Often it looks different than we expect.

If this excerpt resonated with you, or if you are walking alongside someone who is grieving, Flowers Bloom Anyway goes deeper into what it means to love, lose, and keep living with intention. It is a book for those carrying loss and for those who want to show up with more care, clarity, and compassion.